Transitions

The first part of today was a whirlwind of responsibilities that I'm not sure I'm ready to handle yet. First, The Grandfather watched the Firefly so I could meet with my quasi-boss to discuss Job A and pick up this week's work. The Grandfather adores the Firefly and she feels exactly the same about him so together they paraded around the office, greeting Dad's employees and giggling through the halls. I sat and went over the previous work I had done, wrote down a few changes and gathered up my 3 manila envelopes of work and placed it in the car. By the time everything was loaded, The Grandfather had the Firefly on the verge of sleep. Her tiny fist filled with her soft hair (i.e. another bald spot) I placed her in the car seat and she was out before we had driven out of the parking lot.

Being the resourceful mother, I know that since baby is sleeping I should go get that pesky drug screening for Job B out of the way and enter the address into my Brain Phone and head in the direction Google tells me. The waiting room was filled with old people and I became quite thankful for my anti-bacterial hand sanitizer! I only had to tell four of them not to touch my child before we were called into the back. The nurse asked if I minded leaving the Firefly out of the bathroom while I peed in a cup, she assured me she was a licensed nurse and current with her First Aid and CPR licenses. That made me laugh and I said, "I have only one rule and that's Don't wake the baby!". Faster than I've ever had a drug test go we were done and on our way home. The Firefly opened her huge gray eyes just as we pulled in the driveway.

With a quick diaper change, walk the puppy, bottle feeding and coffee refill we once again headed out. This time we were on our way to view the day care that my poor teeny baby will be attending very shortly. My stomach was in knots and instead of lugging the car seat in I scooped the stinky one up and together we went in for our tour. The infant room is filled with babies; some crawling, some on their tummies, some on their backs, one on a changing table, one getting fed in a rocking chair, several asleep in their cribs. I was very happy to see that all of the babies AND all of the teachers seemed to be enjoying themselves. Then the Firefly started. She decided to show off her new found talking ability and just jabbered, babbled, and cooed for the entire half hour we were there. She smiled at all of the teachers with her flirty smile; she tucks her chin to her chest, stares up at you, and then crinkles her nose a bit and smiles from ear to ear. She yelled at one of the baby boys and the women all cheered saying, "We need some girl power in this room!". I assured them that we have nicknamed her "The Dictator" for a reason. The director gave me a ton of literature and a packet to fill out and we were on our way home once again, just in time for another nap.

What scares me is that my child had no hesitation with talking, flirting, and dictating. Now I sit here watching her nap (I should be working), writing this, and wondering, "How the Hell am I supposed to be without her?". She clearly will have no problems transitioning but I will probably cry hysterically that day. For 3 months I have had this child by my side. We go everywhere together. We do everything together. I honestly don't think I have been away from her for more than 4 hours at one given time. It is going to be so strange to be at work and not holding her. It drives me crazy to think of someone else calming her when she's fussy, reading to her when she's sleepy, going for a walk with her when she's rambunctious, feeding her when she's hungry, changing her when she's messy, and talking to her when she's chatty. I know that the teachers are just that, teachers and not her mother, but I'm terrified they will replace me in my baby's eyes if they are the ones doing all of the things that I do. The Father will get out of work before I do so I won't even be the one picking her up and saving her. I know that I have raised one Brassy Sassy Lassie in the three short months we've been together but I still worry. I also am aware of the fact that I am not the first woman to have to relinquish my iron jawed grasp on my baby. I was thankfully able to work from home for a lot longer than most women and now she'll be entering day care as a 4-month-old instead of a 6-week old and that gives me great comfort. Although I'm still afraid it will be the Father carrying the Firefly in with me wrapped around her leg on that first day. I also know that makeup will be pointless that first day. Any words of wisdom for me and the other mother's out there who must let go?